Heidi’s blog on Myspace.com
When Dad was first diagnosed (and in fact in the weeks leading up to his diagnosis), I began keeping a diary of what was happening on Myspace.com. I found writing in the blog there incredibly helpful, and below you will find those entries that I wrote about my Dad and how I dealt with his illness and death.
23 Jun 2006
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Life sucks right now Current mood:  crushed
Not really sure how to start this. My Dad has been unwell for some time – prostate problems. He was due to have an operation last week to sort things out. Before he was due to go into hospital he had to go for a Pre-op assestment – where they take blood samples and do x-rays etc to make sure that you are fit for surgery. On the x-ray they found a “mass” on his lungs (not sure which one). Surgery was cancelled immediatley and my Dad – well he was gutted. Now obviously there is this “mass” to deal with. He has been called for a full body CT scan on wednesday. Being the eternal pessimist that I am I am absolutley petrified that my beloved Dad has the dreaded Cancer. He is 75 years old. We haven’t had an easy relationship at times – he wasn’t exactly what you would call a “hands on dad”, but he is still my Father and I am absolutley gutted right now. Give my Dad a thought next wednesday – he goes for his scan. I am going to go with him too. xxxxxx |
29 Jun 2006
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the waiting game…. Current mood:  anxious
Dad has been for his scan today. For the last few days I have been an utter wreck at times….and then i have felt horrendously guilty about being upset. It’s Dad thats going through all this and not me! He had his CT scan – they injected dye into him first. I wasn’t sure why this is until i did some research and I think it’s so they can check his internal organs etc….still not sure. Anyway…its now a waiting game for the results…. Will keep you posted. xxxxxxxxxx |
01 Jul 2006
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Still in limbo… Current mood:  depressed
No news as yet. No news is good news? I don’t fucking know anymore. Dad is no better. He decided to assert his independance on thursday by going to Argos and buying himself a new hoover. He hadn’t parked his car anywhere near town (about half a mile away in fact), and then proceeded to carry the new hoover back to the car. He got to the end of the road just about….then a passing lorry driver took pity on him wheezing and struggling and gave him a lift back to his car. Needless to say, I wasn’t best pleased with this news – but I tried not to blow my lid about it. I was at A&E with my daughter at the time (thats a whole new story) and was on my mobile talking to him about this. All I said was that I didn’t really want the next ambulance turning up with him in it. He has also been back to the doctors. They have given him another course of amoxycillin (this one for 10 days). Now being a fountain of knowledge on chest problems (my eldest son has had problems with his chest – and I have had pnumonia myself twice), I know that Amoxycillin is the biggest pile of pants there is - and there are far more effective anti-biotics that my father could be put on IF there was a serious chest infection to treat. Being the jaded pessimist that I am, I imagine that the doc is just giving him the anti-biotics until the hospital call him back in for his results. Yesterday I brought him up to my house for a cuppa and so he could take the micky out of Paul digging up our garden with a JCB (yet ANOTHER story – pics will be posted of my garden on here in due course). He talked to Paul for a bit, drank his tea and had a tiny piece of Bakewell Tart and then asked if I would take him home as he was tired. Halfway down the road Dad announced that he was going to be sick. I pulled over, but he said he would be okay til he got home (5 mins drive from me). He got into his house and was violently sick. Also turns out that he has been having stomach problems and pain under his ribs (like a rib sticking in him). Sometimes having a pretty good medical knowledge – and also witnessing most of my relatives dying of various types of cancer – isn’t such a good thing. I keep telling myself that maybe everything will be okay and that the C word isn’t going to be an issue, but it really seems that it is. As for me, I feel as though I am going slowly round the bend. I have times where i cry for hours…. I don’t want my Dad to die and I don’t want him to have cancer. But I have seen this so many times before…..and watching my Dad go through this is killing me too. Anyway, I really should do something constructive now, so will finish for now. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx |
11 Jul 2006
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It’s cancer Current mood: crushed
Dad got his diagnosis yesterday. He has lung and liver cancer. He still has to have another blood test which will tell them more – but it’s not looking good. Can’t write anymore than that right now – the news has hit me like a sledgehammer, ironically Dad seems a bit happier now he knows. Will give you more news when I get it. By the way – the song on my profile is one of my Dads favourites – he loves a bit of Ol Blue Eyes! xxxxxxxx |
20 Jul 2006
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No words to describe it… Current mood:  drained
….watching this disease eat my father alive is horrid….soul destroying. Dad is now under a consultant at the hospital. His diagnosis has been confirmed and I have seen his scans…he’s full of the wretched disease in his right lung – also big blobs of cancer all over his liver Yesterday Dad had a bronchoscopy to establish which type of lung cancer it is (there are two types), and because of the sedation Dad stayed here with us last night. I spent the evening sitting on his bed (he’s very tired) talking about memories from his childhood and mine. He even showed Matty (my son) the magic tricks he used to show me when i was a child…to see Mattys look of amazement was so precious – something I will never forget. My Mum is here this week too, and for the first time since their divorce (15 years ago), it was me, mum and dad again…very surreal…but again something I have firmly imprinted in my mind. I doubt it will happen again. I am not 100 ure, but I don’t think Dad is having any treatment. He has an appointment again on the 28th – and we will know then. I will update when I can….please keep the good vibes coming, and thankyou for the messages and texts. xxxxxxxxx |
27 Jul 2006
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Hospital tommorow Current mood:  numb
Hospital tommorow. I am dreading it. I have a horrid horrid feeling that there will be no treatment for Dad…..call me a pessemist…but I am also a realist I’m afraid. Will let you know how it goes asap. Thanks to all my MySpace chums who are keeping me smiling and for the nice messages you have sent. And special thanks to Russ for dragging me into his crazy munchkin msn type chatroom thing yesterday and putting a bit of fun back into life for a couple of hours! We should wind people up more often heh heh heh. xxxxxxxxxxxxx |
28 Jul 2006
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Small Cell Lung Cancer (Grading – Extensive)
Well there you have it folks…that’s Dad’s diagnosis. He WILL be reffered to oncology for treatment….but that wont be for a couple of weeks. Will write more later.
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04 Aug 2006
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Dad’s in hospital Current mood: numbCategory: Blogging
Dad was admitted to hospital on wednesday night. He couldn’t breathe and dialled 999. As soon as he arrived at hospital he got them to ring me and I jumped out of bed, pulled my clothes on and drove to the hospital feeling kind of numb. Full of dread – but numb. I just kept telling myself that I just have to deal with this – so it’s no use getting all yellow bellied about it now. The best way i can describe how i feel; to begin with, I felt I was standing on the outside of a long dark tunnel….and there is no way round it – it has to be gone through. Now, some weeks later, I feel as though I am in the tunnel – and it’s darkish, and scary and not nice….but I know I have darker times to encounter – and I am resigned to that. Dad had an x-ray at the hospital. His lung is full of fluid and blood – not uncommon in someone with lung cancer, and he has now had a drain inserted to get the fluid off. He is on oxegen all the time – he can’t be without it for very long BUT the drain might actually provide some relief from this once it’s established. He will be in hospital for a few days. |
07 Aug 2006
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Stubborness Current mood:  worriedCategory: Blogging
Dad is still in hospital. His chest drain blocked up within hours of putting it in, and because of the pain that the docs caused when they put it in (it took 3 attempts), Dad is refusing point blank to have another one in. The implication that this has, is that if Dad doesn’t consent, his lungs will fill up again (which they are – and rapidly), and he will in the coming days drown is his own lung juice. Sorry if anyone finds me putting it this distasteful, but I am telling it like it is. The idea of my father being terminally ill is hard enough to deal with – let alone the idea of him having a horrific death! So the upshot of all this is is that last night I sat with him and asked him to reconsider – if not for him – then for me. Dad and I openly talk about his death – we are both very forthright in these matters – and I have told him that the best sort of death you can have when you are riddled with cancer, is one where you are on a nice big dose of morphine, and in peaceful surroundings NOT the lung juice option in the cess pit, downtown Baghdad dump that is our local hospital. Today the ward doctors are taking him before the board of consultants, hoping that he will change his mind. If he doesn’t – they will discharge him as there is nothing else they can do. I have asked for a refferal to the local hospice for him, but this will take time. Not something we have – certainly not if Dad refuses the drain again. I have also spoken to his nurse, and he is arranging that, if Dad consents, they will increase the pain relief and aneastesia that they give him during the drain insertion process. Please please send out loads of vibes….I really need them right now. If he doesn’t consent to that drain, the next time I will be writing on here will be to tell you that he has died. |
stubborness update
Current mood: anxious
Category: Blogging
Right well….Dad consented to the drain…..and then the docs couldn’t get it in. They couldn’t locate the fluid even though they know it’s there! My heart sank to my boots when I heard this BUT they are going to have one more try today using ultrasound to help guide the way. So fingers crossed please.
Also everything is organised for when Dad comes home….Macmillan nurses, District Nurse and also and o2 supply.
Last night my Dad’s neice and nephews came down from Birmingham (sorry – Tamworth if you’re reading this Lyn) to see Dad. It was great to see them….and Dad really enjoyed it. We had great fun reminising about all the stuff that happened when Dad was younger. What was even funnier was my cousin John attempting to get high on the alcohol handwash stuff at the end of Dads bed! They left about 10 mins before I did…and Dads eyes misted over and I seriously thought that he would start crying – which would have been me gone for sure, but he didn’t, he just kept smiling – and then ordered me home to deal with my family.
The more this wretched disease eats away at my Dad, the more heartwrenching it’s becoming. Everytime I see him I wonder if it will be the last time he is coherent….will something happen that will require him being doped up to the eyeballs in the 24 hours that follows….it’s all so fucking horrid. He has gone downhill so much in the last couple of weeks – I can’t help but worry what will happen in the next couple of weeks….I know I shouldn’t though. I know that the end is on it’s way, and I know that I can’t stop it, so I just have to make the most of every minute I can with him.
09 Aug 2006
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no drain as yet Category: Blogging
Guess what. No drain has been put in yet. Dad is filling up with fluid – his ankles are the size of tree trunks and he is getting increasingly breathless. I ain’t sure if it’s just down to the fact that they haven’t had the time to do it – or whether they just aren’t going to bother now. Dad was talking a lot about family last night. He talked a lot about his Dad and his brothers and sister (who all died years ago – all from cancer too…apart from one brother). He talked about his fathers role in the war….he talked about a lot of things that he hasn’t bothered with before. But then I remember my Nan (his mum) doing this before she died too. Tommorow is Dads appointment with the Oncolgist – now that should be interesting |
11 Aug 2006
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Oncology appointment Current mood: resigned to the inevitable Category: resigned to the inevitable Blogging
Yesterday afternoon I went to the hospital to see Dad’s Oncologist. Dad had also been for an ultrasound scan to locate exactly where the fluid is building on his lung – so that when they do get their arses around to putting a new drain in, they know where to go! I waited in Outpatients for him, and Dad was eventually wheeled down in a wheelchair – complete with his o2 (which he can’t do without now really) and we were ushered in to see Dr Camerlleri (who i have to say is an utter dreamboat! I don’t believe the chemo will happen. For one thing, I don’ t think he will survive long enough. They are reviewing him in two weeks, but judging how he has gone from being a man who was going out doing his shopping (albeit a lot slower than usual), to being a man who is now dependant on o2, a man who has lost more weight than i care to think about, and whose legs now resemble blistering tree trunks (because his liver is failing) in the last two weeks, I think he will be far too ill. Maybe my Dads sheer determination to cling on for as long as possible will prove me wrong – I don’t know. I could sit here all day and go over the possibilites in my head – but it’s not going to change the fact that with or without chemo – my Dad will die.
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). He asked Dad lots of questions, and then gave Dad a physical examination. The upshot of all of this was that he can’t offer Dad chemotherapy. Not right now anyway, as he is too ill. Basically it would kill him. The fluid on his lungs needs to be drained, and the swelling in his liver (and limbs) needs to be brought under control before he will even consider giving Dad chemo. However, Dad is having a one off dose of Radiotherapy on monday. This should make him feel a bit better in himself – and even though he should have his chest drain back in, it may even make his breathing a bit easier. Dr Camelleri said that it was up to Dad if he wanted the radiotherapy – the decision was entirley his. Bearing in mind that any chemo or radiotherapy will not cure him – only give him time – Dad almost snatched the consent papers out the doctors hands and signed them. He really is desperate to survive for as long as he can…whatever the consequences.
14 Aug 2006
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Will there ever be a happy post from me again…. Current mood: crushedCategory: Blogging
….doesn’t bloody feel like it right now. Yesterday i witnessed Dad have a seizure. I knew he had been “blacking out” during nasty coughing attacks…but I saw with my own eyes very clearly that Dad is actually having seizures. They are not very long – only a matter of about 5 seconds, but he doesn’t remember a thing about them afterwards. It seems as though the cancer has spread to his brain – which with small cell lung cancer is the norm. Dad has gone for his radiotherapy this afternoon – a one off dose, which will evidently make his feel a bit better, but I can’t help but think it’s going to hasten the end. Maybe if they had given him it a couple of weeks ago things might have been different – but I really truly do not believe that his body will take the strain. However, it’s Dads wish to have it, so who am I to say anything. Last night I hardly slept a wink. I kept seeing Dad in that seizure, so I feel knocked sideways today. It honestly doesn’t feel like I will ever smile again right now. Oh and by the way, they have tried twice more to insert the chest drain – and failed. It has now been decided that there will be no more attempts to put one in. |
22 Aug 2006
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Home Category: Blogging
Well….Dad is home. Hence me not being on here much! He has had oxegen installed in his flat, and has a whole new world of medication to get used to, but he’s home and thats the main thing! Can’t remember what I wrote on my last blog – did I say that Dad had his one off dose of radiotherapy? Well if i didn’t say – he’s had it. It has worked very well indeed, and apart from him being hooked up to his oxegen most of the time, it seems as though I have my Dad back to how he was before he was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t know how long this will last….don’t know how long it will be before he starts deteriorating again. I can’t bear to think about it really….it hurts too much. Anyway, am in the middle of cooking some casseroles for Dads freezer, so I had best get on….will update when I can. Macmillan nurses are coming to see Dad tommorow to assess what help he needs. |
22 Aug 2006
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An email that sums it up Current mood:  contemplative
Yup – i know, second post from me in a day….but just thought I would post an email on here that I sent to some close friends who had contacted me asking how dad was. I was quite surprised how honest I was in this email….everything I feel about my Dads cancer just came flooding to the surface. So I would like to post it on here for you to read…. Hi there
Just thought i would send u a mail to update you on whats going on with dad.
Basically Dad will not be having a drain inserted into his lungs to drain the fluid that has built up. The doctors made a total of 5 attempts (one using ultrasound as a guide) to put the drain in….and they failed everytime to locate where exactly the fluid was. Having the drain would have cleared the fluid and made Dad feel a lot better – but after the last attempt failed Dad decided enough was enough and I agreed to respect his decsion this time (he initially refused to be fiddled with anymore after the second drain failed – but I emotionally blackmailed him to give it another try).
Dad also saw the oncologist last week. Unfortunatley he said that Dad was too ill to even be considered for chemo – it would kill him with his current state of health. He said that once the drain had been inserted, and dad had completed a course of steroids (to help his failing liver), he would see Dad in a fortnight and would reconsider his bar on chemo. However, this was before they tried to insert the drain the last time! So I think you can effictlivly rule the chemo out – it was only ever going to be given for palliative purposes anyway. Dad has had a one off dose of radiotherapy. This was given on monday. I was initially concerned that it would tip Dad over the edge towards the grim reaper – maybe if it had been given sooner then there would have been a more positive effect on Dad as he has actually deterioated quite rapidly over the past couple of weeks; as I’ve said, his liver is being affected by the cancer now and his legs and feet have swollen as a result (he hasn’t turned yellow as yet because the bile ducts of the liver are not affected), obviously his lung is still filling with fluid, and he has also lost 3 stones in a fortnight. However, the radiotherapy has worked rather well….and last night it was like seeing my Dad as he was before cancer made an appearance. He was off his o2 (he has been on it pretty much constantly), he looked so much brighter and his breathing was loads better. I know though that prior to someone popping their clogs, they do perk up, so I am not sure whether this is the radiotherapy working it’s magic or the beginning of the downward turn.
In all honesty, seeing Dad looking so well has messed with my head a bit. I know that whatever has caused his wellness is irrelevant – this is going to be the last time I ever see my Dad looking normal. At best I may have a couple of weeks of my Dad being like My Dad again. The coming weeks are going to see his decline and his final exit and I’m not sure I will ever truly deal with that.
So…today I have just a phone call, letting me know that at 4pm the local o2 suppliers will be wanting access to Dads flat to install his home supply….and tonight all being well I will be taking Dad home. He has asked to go back to his own flat…and to be able to live his own life for as long as he possibly can – even if it is just a couple of weeks. District and McMillan nurses will be going in during the days to help him, and I will be there to do any housework, shopping, bill paying (basically anything I can that will enable me to work around looking after my children). Hopefully a refferal to the local hospice is in the pipeline – and that is where Dad will end his days – and hopefully I will gain some much need support from there too.
As for me, I am ticking over as usual. It feels as though I am stuck in some sort of surreal nightmare that I can’t wake up from. My Dad may be the biggest pain at times – but I love him dearly, and seeing him go through this is destroying me bit by bit. I know I will come out the other side of this – not sure how – but I will cos i always do. Paul is doing his best to support me – though i ain’t making it easy for him. Faced with any sort of stress I usually turn into super bitch – and this time has been no exception….more like ultra bitch now though! I don’t think he has ever witnessed me cry so much, but I am past caring about who sees me cry!
Anyway, enough waffle from me. As you can imagine, it’s difficult for me to get my hands on the pc these days. I will keep in touch when I can.
Loads of Love
Heidi xxxx
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05 Sep 2006
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a new week – a new update Current mood:  calmCategory: Blogging
Been a couple of weeks since i wrote anything here – so it’s high time I did! Things with Dad are still pretty much stable….we are both still continuing along the trail of emotional numbness about all of this. Like I have said in previous posts – I am kind of resigned to the inevitable…but not accepting it, if that makes any sense. We both have good days – and we both have bad days….and that is all I can really tell you at the moment. I can’t keep typing the same old emotional shit all the time because this blog is in danger of becoming just an emotional dumping ground – which did actually help to beging with, but now I feel it must be getting kind of tedious to read. So….from now on, I will still write about Dad but I want to kind of shift onto other things too. If something major happens of I want to get something off my chest then you can bet your bottom dollar I will write about it on here. |
16 Sep 2006
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Dad update (yet another) Current mood:  sad
We are on the slow decline. I have been watching him carefully for the last week and have noticed such a difference. To cut a long story short, Dad is now very very sleepy. He didn’t recognise my husband earlier today…so I don’t think we have too long left. I took him shopping yesterday – he insisted on doing his own shopping. So I put him in the car – complete with his oxegen supply and took him to Aldi’s (he loves that bloody shop). We spent nearly an hour walking very slowly round (Dad will not use a wheelchair for the life of him). He brought loads of things that he wouldn’t usually buy – Brie cheese (which he despises), Danish pastries and double cream. It was quite an entertaining shopping trolley for my dad (who has very strict tastebuds!)….very elaborate, almost as if he was going to lay on the last supper! He enjoyed the trip….smiled a lot, but was worn out by the time we got back. He is due to see the enclogist next thursday – not sure why – they have already stated that one dose of radiotherapy was all he was getting (and he had that a month ago). Will keep you updated on what happens when I go down there in a few mins! H xxxxx |
21 Sep 2006
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Todays Hospital appointment Current mood:  indescribableCategory: Blogging
Dad had his final appointment with the oncologist today. As you will know from my previous entries, Dad could only ever have a one off dose of radiotherapy as he was too ill to have chemo. Anyway, Dads latest CT scans have now revealed that the cancer is hitting his liver bigtime…..and the long or short of it is Dad has 8 weeks to live – at the most. The doc did indicate to me though (out of Dads earshot) that he thinks Dad has a lot less time….and that his liver will be the death of him and not his lungs – even though they are the site of the primary cancer. The most heartbreaking part of this afternoon, was the decision to withdraw all of Dads medication that is not directly linked to the cancer (Dad has prostate problems and Angina too), so as of today all his heart drugs and blood thinning drugs have been stopped – and his prostate medication too. I am assuming that this is to help things along – and make nature act a bit quicker…oh the joys of palliative care eh? When we got home and after I had settled Dad, I set to work reorganising his drugs – and removing the heart pills from his dosset box made me feel like I was summoning my Dad to his death…..it was heartbreaking. Dad himself is okay with the news he recieved today – in fact he even cracked a joke about not having to buy xmas presents this year…..I managed to laugh with him – but inside I was falling to pieces….and still am. The second most heartbreaking thing was having to tell Dads mate Dean what had happened at the appointment. Dean is only my age (ooops no – sorry if you are reading this Dino…I mean 29!), but he has been with Dad whenever I can’t be during Dads illness. They have watched endless episodes of “Deadwood” together (Dads fave program), have shared meals and Dean has helped with practical issues that I haven’t been able to deal with – he has taken a lot of the weight of my shoulders….and I will never ever be able to thank him enough. He has been brilliant. I saw real pain in his eyes tonight when I told him that Dad didn’t have long. We have decided to bring Xmas forward for Dad and are going halves on an mp3 player for him and fill it with all his favourite music; Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin…my bag is full of CD’s that I will spend tommorow afternoon putting on the Mp3. So Dad has now been discharged from hospital care – he is now just under the Macmillan nurses and his GP who will manage his care now. I cannot ever bear to think what the coming weeks are going to bring….this all seems so unreal…..utter utter heartbreak. My precious Dad really is dying – this isn’t just some sick joke that God has decided to play. Its real. It’s happening…and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. xxxxx |
12 Oct 2006
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He’s gone Category: Blogging
Dad died very peacefully just after 7pm last night. He had been very restelss again all day, but everything happened very suddenly. I got back from the loo to find Dads nurse and the doc with him….and Dad looking very different….very rattly breathing (the death rattle they call it). The doc said he was on his way, but she didn’t know how long it would be. Dads mate Dean was with me (as he has been through all of this), and we just sat either side of him holding his hands….I leant over him and said So thats it. It’s all over. No more pain….well not for him. Now comes my pain….and I haven’t stopped crying yet. But I know that one day I will be ok….and I just have to get through this….but it’s so hard. Heidi xx |
25 Oct 2006
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The final chapter Category: Blogging
Dads funeral was last friday (20th). If there is such a thing as a decent send off, then I would say that my Dad had one. I thought that I would go to pieces at the sight of his coffin – but I didn’t….I was spookily calm actually. The service itself was conducted by a humanist…..no religion or any bollocks like that. I have a copy of the order of service, which in due course i will publish online. I did a reading (and I am so proud of myself because i actually managed it without breaking down), and I wrote the eulogy for the service myself….the minister tweaked it so it would suit his voice. The only time I did lose the plot a bit was when they played “My Way” by Frank Sinatra….and that was followed by the curtains closing on Dads coffin…..and I don’t remember much about it – just Paul holding my hand, and my 3 cousins who were sitting behind me leaning forward and comforting me. Afterwards we went to Dads watering hole for his “wake”….but it was good. My mates from school came to the funeral, so they, as always, kept me laughing…especially when we played skittles……….I have some videos of that which i will post on my vid section after I have done this. Today I scattered my Dads ashes. His request was to be scattered “to the four winds” on the garden of rememberance… Thanks for all the good wishes by the way…. xxxxxxxx |
