With Mothers Day having been recently, I have been doing a lot of thinking about when I first became a Mum. Nobody can ever tell you what having a child is going to be like, and I know that I wasn’t remotely interested when others told me that my life would change forever. Thing is, no well-meaning friend/relative could have possibly known what motherhood had in store for me in august 1995. I found out about Jacks disabilities when I was 28 weeks pregnant, and decided to continue with the pregnancy as I felt it was only right to give Jack the chance of life, and am a firm believer in whatever is meant to be is meant to be.
With this in mind, and given that I now have 16 years experience of motherhood (both with a child with special needs and two healthy children) I’ve often wondered what advice I would give to myself if I could go back in time to 1995;
- Your life WILL change for ever. You can ignore what you’re told if you want, but it’s true and you’d best start getting used to the fact!
- Doctors will always give you “worst case scenario” opinions. They have to. It’s their job to make sure you are informed as to any outcomes of what you are dealing with. It’s nothing personal, they have nothing against you and Jack personally. It also certainly does not mean that there will never be any positives to your situation. Life has a wonderful habit of surprising you when you least expect it!
- Following on from no. 2, You will occasionally interact with doctors (especially those who are on the board of any NHS trusts) who believe that a profoundly disabled child that could’ve been aborted really is a waste of NHS resources and nothing more. They won’t try to prolong Jacks life, and yes they will try to induce a situation where Jack will die. Note: And before anyone contacts me about this statement – Yes it’s true, I’ve known it to happen to us and to other families as well. Be strong. Fight for what you believe is right where your child is concerned. Your gut instinct will NEVER be wrong.
- Have faith in your child. He will surprise you, and miracles really can happen.
- Cherish every single day you have with your children because a) they grow up REALLY fast, plus in the case of Jack every good day is one to be celebrated, because you never know when the next hurdle is around the corner!
- Don’t allow your lives to revolve around medical appointments – especially those that aren’t vital. Take time out from beaurocrocy and try to smell the roses every now and then.
- In the words of Flylady, DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. It’s really not that important in the grand scheme of things.
- Try not to dwell on the future – however bleak it may be looking at the time. Take care of today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Nobody really knows how life will or will not pan out for you or your children.
- Be as organised as you can with paperwork, because with a child with special needs there is LOADS. Use a diary or calendar to keep track of appointments, conversations, hospital admissions. Being organised will see you through this.
- Take time out for yourself. Utterly vital this one. I spent the first 3 years of Jacks life looking like a bag lady. I was overweight and as money was short all of my clothes came from charity shops (and although I still love charity shops, I always seemed to pick out the comfy stuff that made me look horrific). When Jack was three, I joined a slimming club, and learned about healthy eating, excercise, and I actually learned how to cook (properly). The results of this were astounding and I lost 4 and a half stone that year. However, stressful times still see me hitting the fridge – although in line with my decision at the end of last year (after a horrific 12 months) to prioritize stressful situations, I have once again been focused on what I’m putting into my body and have lost a stone since New Year. Taking time out for yourself doesn’t just have to be about weight loss, it can be anything; reading a book, taking a walk, even just going outside to sit in the sun. It’s just time for YOU.
So there you have it. That’s what I’d say to me all those years ago if I could. The thing is….I wouldn’t have listened. Everyone has to make up their own list of do’s/don’ts. The best lessons in life are those that are earned by experience.
